David's Universal Perspective Vortex

(in three phases)



Phase 1: Do you know why you are over-worked & under-paid?


A simple 'model' of the real world

* Knowledge is Power: Hence K = P (1)

* Time is Money: Hence T = M (2)

* As every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time: P = W/T (3)

* So [from (3) and (1)] K = W/T (4);

which means: the more you know, the more work you have to do.

* But M = W/K (5)

i.e. the more you know, the less money you make,

- Corollary: the less you know, the more you make.

* And ((from (4) and (2)) K = W/M (6)

or equivalently, W = M*K

which means that work approaches zero as knowledge approaches zero - the ignorant rich do precious little work.




Phase 2: The Creation of Policy: It's all in the language: 

In the beginning was the plan

And then came the assumptions

And the assumptions were without form

And the plan was without substance

And a darkness was upon the face of the workers

And they spake to their level ones, saying:

"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."

And the level ones went to their level twos and sayeth:

"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof."

And the level twos went to their heads of group and sayeth unto them:

"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong that none may abide it."

And the group heads went to their head of division, and sayeth unto him:

"It is a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide its strength."

And the division head went to the board member and sayeth:

"It contains that which aids plants growth and is very strong."

And the board member went to the deputy chairman and sayeth unto him:

"It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the deputy chairman went to the chairman and sayeth unto him:

"This powerful new plan will promote the growth and efficiency of the company."

And the chairman looked upon the plan and saw that it was good

And thus the plan became policy.

And the body cast about for a leader of this policy.

And the 'Eyes' said "we are the obvious all seeing choice";

But that 'Legs' said "it must be us as we will get you there";

But the 'Hands' said "it must be a hands-on policy";

But the 'Arms' said "the leader must be at arms length from the troops";

But the 'Nose' said "a leader needs to be able to smell trouble";

But the 'Brain' said "it needs real intelligence to guide this policy";

But the 'Heart' said, "if I'm not in it, it's bound to fail";

And the 'Bum' said, "unless I'm the leader, I'm on strike".

And so it came to pass that the Bum became the Boss.




Phase 3: Answers to questions all depend on who you are and where you stand. 

An allegory of the problems facing the managers, policy advisors and policy makers of the world when asking social scientists for help

Lost Balloonist in low cloud to person on the ground: "I'm lost. Where am I?"

Replies as follows:

Theoretical economist: "You're 40ft. up in a basket suspended by hot air"

Applied economist/Statistician: "What's your wind speed reading, elapsed journey time, starting point andinitial heading and I'll work it out"

Sociologist (action in context): "Where have you come from and where are you trying to go?"

Academic Sociologist: "It all depends on your schooling and what your mother and/or father were like asparents. Please answer this short questionnaire"

Marketing Specialist: "Who wants to know?"

Accountant/Lawyer/Banker: "I can't tell you without a formal contract"

Philosopher:"You can't get there from here"

Alternative Philosopher: "Who are you and Why do you want to know?"

Policy analyst: "When the weather clears, you'll be able to see"

Management Consultant: "You're here. Now what are you going to do?"

Applied Psychologist: "It all depends on your attitude and value system, please answer this long questionnaire."

Analytical Psychologist: "Relative to me, you are exactly overhead"

Trade analyst: "If I tell you, will you give me your burner, it's bloody cold down here?"

Archaeologist: "You're right over the top of this absolutely magnificent burial mound"

Theoretical Linguist: "Fascinating. Would you mind saying that again please, I didn't quite catch the nuance"

Marxist: "You are captured in a capitalist conspiracy. Come down out of your cloud and join the revolution"

Post Modern Marxist: "I'm afriad I have no idea, I'm hopelessly lost too. We should talk about it"

Farmer: "Come down here and give us a hand with the milking and then we'll get to your problem"

Market trader: "You know Durham Cathedral? .... Well, you're nowhere near there"

Photographer: "Come down a bit, I can't get the top of the balloon in"

Health & Safety Officer "Have you got a licence to be in that thing?"

Postmodernist: "Just enjoy being lost, it's great"

HEFCE Teaching assessor: "Shockingly bad preparation. I'll have to mark you down for that, though yourpresentation is passable. What sort of feed-back system do you use?"

Research Assessment Panel:"We're afraid we judge your output to be entirely hot air and your plans appear toconsist of simply going round in circles. We have to grade you minus 1"

Head of Department:"I'll have think about that one. Can you come back next week?"

Dean (Managing Director):"I'll ask the other Heads what they think and let you know"

VC (Chief Executive): It all depends on the next HEFCE Letter, but I wouldn't hold your breath"

And most of them are as much use as a a chocolate teapot. 

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